In August, my husband and I celebrated 11 years of marriage. I did a lot of reflecting around then about our time together. As a therapist, I naturally do a lot of reflecting anyway. Whether I am visiting with kids or adults, I often find that the relationship between a person’s mother and father has a large influence on their life and how they form relationships. Here are five keys to a healthy partnership:
- Always nurture the friendship. It’s easy for us to get bogged down with life stuff. Add kids to the mix and it becomes far too easy to put marriage on the back burner. We must remember that the relationship with our partner is one that needs tending in order for it to remain alive. Regular date nights, small tokens of affection and positive affirmation don’t go away once we say “I do.” Small gestures of love will keep partners’ love tanks full and will prevent your marriage from running on empty.
- Be on the same page with the parenting thing. This is a HUGE one. I have worked with numerous kids over the years who suffer from parents who just can’t be a team. Here’s the deal: kids are smart. They know when and how to divide and conquer. If you and your spouse create and maintain a united front when it comes to the kids, you’ll save yourselves years of headaches and disappointments later. Kids also learn how to be in a relationship from their parents. If they see mom and dad fighting, arguing, shouting and angry, they will then demonstrate those characteristics when they begin forming romantic relationships. Even if biological parents are no longer in a relationship together, it is important for them to remain strong, positive co-parents. When it comes to the kids, put your romantic differences and qualms from the past aside. Your kids need you to and will thank you later.
- Focus on the positive & HAVE FUN. Stress is an ugly monster that can suck the joy right out of you. In marriage, stress can often cause us to be grouchy and irritable with our spouse. Make it a daily intention to look for the positives in your husband or wife. Just like kids, adults want you to “catch” them being good, too. Husband take the trash out without being reminded 37 times? Praise him! Did your wife cook a nice meal after a long day at work? Give her a hug and say thank you! When we choose to focus our attention on the positive, many other aspects of our life will follow suit. Oh, yeah…. don’t forget to have fun! Be silly together. Make time to do something you both enjoy. After all, the two of you obviously had fun together at some point, right? Frequently make a point to tap into that youthful, fun side that led you both to falling in love.
- QTIP – Quit taking it personally! We’ve heard for years about husbands and wives who nit-pick each other to a hilt. It’s no new concept that partners fight over the most trivial things. I implore you – QTIP! Quit taking it personally. If your spouse is stressed and tired, don’t take it personally when they aren’t exactly a peach after work. Focus on the positive, be forgiving and move on.
- Self-reflect often. Raise your hand if you’ve always been told “when you point a finger, you have three pointing right back at you”?? Me too. Boy, is that a humbling illustration. In our marriages, we must reflect on how we can do better if we ever want our spouse to do better. The thing is, there are ZERO perfect humans in this world. No problems in marriage can be attributed to one single party. In order to nurture the relationship with your spouse, you must be willing to look in the mirror and determine where your own shortcomings are. Once we take the focus off of what our spouse is doing wrong and start looking at what we ourselves can improve, the marital relationship will blossom and strengthen significantly.
The list of ways to make marriage work could more than likely stretch to the moon and back. There are many things that can and must be done in order to have a partnership that lasts. The above list is a short version of simple things that I’ve done in my own marriage. Has it always been easy? Heck no! Do we fight? Of course! What marriage doesn’t have its ups and downs? Being intentional, though, and making a daily choice to better ourselves and our relationships is a healthy step in the right direction. It has ripple effects that will touch many aspects of our lives. When our marriage is healthy and striving, we as individuals feel better, our spouse feels better, our kids are more positively impacted and life is generally better as a whole. So, get out there, write your spouse a little love note, help with household chores and be good to each other.
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