Self-regulation. Emotional regulation. Do you have it? Have you ever even heard of it? There has recently been a lot of attention placed on the topic of self-regulation and the skills that encompass it. In a nutshell, self-regulation is an individual’s ability to control his or her emotions in a multitude of situations. We’ve all seen a child who can’t calm down, right? If you’re a parent or caregiver, you’ve probably at some point dealt with a child who just can’t seem to chill. So, what’s going on with a kid (or an adult) who hasn’t learned the necessary skills to soothe themselves? The answer, unfortunately isn’t that simple.
Psychology has long pondered the nature vs. nurture debate. There is a delicate developmental balance between a person’s God-given personality traits and the learned behaviors that are modeled to them in their home environment. Some people are born more energetic, more anxious, more keyed up than others. At the same time, some kids grow up in homes where shouting, insults and angry/anxious/depressed behaviors are the norm. In either case, emotional regulation is not so easily learned.
The best way to teach a child self-regulation skills is for adults to model them. Our kids need to see us become upset and then appropriately calm ourselves down. This shows them that emotions and feelings of all kinds are perfectly normal. It also signals them to learn and practice handling their emotions in a healthy way. Our kids also need to see us self-reflecting. When we have an outburst – because, let’s face it, none of us are in control of ourselves 100% of the time – we must verbally express that the way we handled ourselves was wrong and what we will do next time in order to do better. Kids also – even though they may not outright tell us so – need for us to back off. If we rescue our kids every time they experience difficulty, they will have an even harder time learning to regulate their emotions and control their behavior. Give your kids a chance to fall, mess up, etc. By doing so, they will learn to problem solve and be less apt to melt down in the future. Kids whose parents constantly do the regulating for them will always look to their parents to help them feel better – even when they are adults.
It’s totally okay to practice self-regulation with your kids. Games like Red Light/Green Light, Mother May I and Simon Says all help kids learn to control impulses. Setting timers to set boundaries for video games and TV time help kids learn to comply in situations they don’t necessarily agree with. Using points systems or positive reinforcement to reward appropriate behavior in melt-down-inducing situations shows your kids that good things can happen when they control themselves.
At my house, my 5 year old has a marble jar. When she does chores, helps her baby sister, uses manners, etc. she is rewarded with marbles. Once the marble jar is filled, she is welcome to pick out any candy she wants at the dollar store. On the flip side, when she is disrespectful, doesn’t do her chores or makes poor behavior choices, marbles are taken away. This method is teaching her a multitude of self-regulation lessons. She’s learning to earn (rather than just being handed) rewards. She’s learning patience by waiting for the jar to be filled. She’s also learning that appropriate behavior leads to positive reinforcement, while poor choices lead to consequences.
Does this mean we have the parenting tiger by the tail? Absolutely not. We still experience melt-downs, but they are fewer and far between. She still can get sassy with best of any diva out there, but she’s learning what comes after she chooses to speak with a sharp tongue. It is also teaching us – her parents – to keep our own emotional regulation in check. It can be so easy to simply snap back and shout at her, but what does she learn from that? I encourage you today to find simple ways to model and teach self-regulation to your own kids. Their future will be brighter because you did. ♥♥♥
Crossroads Mental Health Services 