Blog

There is currently an epidemic of self-diagnosis rising in our society.  Individuals who are stressed, sad or worried quickly take the road of labeling themselves with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, PTSD and the list goes on and on.  Don’t get me wrong here.  I’m a mental health professional who believes in the necessity of diagnosis and treatment…BUT…I believe in them only when they are being done correctly by a qualified professional.

I often hear a lot of caring folks label the people they love with disorders and illnesses of various kinds.  Interestingly enough, though, once the therapeutic process begins and we dive into the world of counseling, those individuals usually don’t have any of the symptoms that are related to the diagnosis their loved one assigned.  Here’s a perfect example: a mom brings in her 7 year old and states that she is certain the child is bipolar.  One minute the child is happy and the next they are angry and throwing tantrums.  After further examination of the situation, though, it becomes obvious that the child is not bipolar.  They don’t exhibit the normal symptoms of such diagnosis.  What is evident, though, is that the child has learned to manipulate and control mom by throwing fits, crying, kicking, screaming, etc. in order to get their way.

This same situation has been played out with adults, as well.  Scroll your social media feed and you’re likely to find friends who diagnose themselves based on the criteria of memes and random quotes.  What’s worse, many will encourage others to “own” their mental health issues in ways that are not productive.  I see a lot of people in my own social media feed who dole out mental health advice that will in no way benefit a person who is truly struggling with anxiety, depression and the like.

For the record, I think the intention of these people is in the right place.  They want to help others and seem relatable.  They want to share their message in the hopes that it will encourage another person who is struggling.  Unfortunately, the benefits and necessity of proper mental health treatment get lost in translation with these posts and shout outs.

It would be more beneficial if we would recognize the struggle we are enduring and then take the next step to seek help for ourselves.  It does no good to ourselves or our loved ones or to the mental health community as a whole if we encourage others to embrace the chaos, and do zilch about it.

If you are struggling mentally, emotionally or behaviorally, I encourage you to research the mental health providers in your area and seek their services.  Let’s all do what we can to create a positive, non-judgmental, accepting view of mental health and the many benefits that proper treatment can offer. ♥♥♥

It takes a mountain of courage to confront demons.  Whether you are facing painful memories from the past or distressing situations from the present, looking a monster in the eye is never a walk in the park.

One battle that is often hard for people is mental and emotional health.  Knowing where to turn can feel impossible.  Finding the right fit with a provider can be a long, drawn out process.  Diving into the abyss of our deepest, darkest thoughts and issues can feel suffocating.

Taking the first step toward freedom, though, can also be liberating.  When anxiety and depression rule our everyday life, seeking professional help often restores the hope we once thought was lost.

There have been many a time that I’ve debated with non-therapists about counseling and the need for individuals to seek help from a mental health professional.  I’ve heard everything from “my problems aren’t big enough yet to go to a counselor” to “I don’t need to talk to a stranger about my problems…I can just talk to a friend” to “going to a counselor means I’m crazy.”  Wait.  Hold the phone.  What was that again??  Taking care of our mental health means we’re crazy??  To that, I always present my well-formulated argument, which goes a little something like this:

My sister is a fearless, tough chick.  I definitely wouldn’t want to cross her in a dark alley.  BUT…she is a Juvenile Diabetic, meaning her pancreas hasn’t worked since childhood.  Sure, she could forego the numerous yearly doctor visits and the healthy eating that keeps her disease in check.  Where would that leave her, though?  You got it – sick and teetering on the brink of collapse.

The same is true for our mental health.  If we neglect the delicate balance between our mind and body, we are basically asking for a breakdown.  What a lot of naysayers don’t think about is that therapists have a heart for helping.  There’s a reason why counseling is called one of the “Helping Professions.”  Don’t count us out simply because our “patients” — clients — don’t exhibit physical ailments that can be seen on blood tests and CAT scans.

What is holding you back from seeking help?  Is it judgment from the outside world?  Could it be fear of facing those ugly, scary demons that you’ve tried so hard to keep locked away?  Maybe you feel as if you don’t deserve help?  Let me assure you, friend, you DO deserve any good thing you can do to become the best version of yourself.

Facing problems, issues, fractured relationships, stress and trauma CAN be the scariest thing we ever do.  A counselor is trained and ready to make that process as least terrifying as possible.  And as far as the judgment thing goes, we can’t fix the way the outside world sees us our truth.  A therapist, though, will always help from a non-judgmental perspective, offering love and acceptance no matter what you bring to the table.

If you are suffering from an endless cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that seem to dictate your every move, take the first step toward healing and seek a counselor who can help.  After all, our deepest desire is to serve people just like you.

Counselors care – come talk about it. ♥♥♥

Self-regulation.  Emotional regulation. Do you have it?  Have you ever even heard of it?  There has recently been a lot of attention placed on the topic of self-regulation and the skills that encompass it.  In a nutshell, self-regulation is an individual’s ability to control his or her emotions in a multitude of situations.  We’ve all seen a child who can’t calm down, right?  If you’re a parent or caregiver, you’ve probably at some point dealt with a child who just can’t seem to chill.  So, what’s going on with a kid (or an adult) who hasn’t learned the necessary skills to soothe themselves?  The answer, unfortunately isn’t that simple.

Psychology has long pondered the nature vs. nurture debate.  There is a delicate developmental balance between a person’s God-given personality traits and the learned behaviors that are modeled to them in their home environment.  Some people are born more energetic, more anxious, more keyed up than others.  At the same time, some kids grow up in homes where shouting, insults and angry/anxious/depressed behaviors are the norm.  In either case, emotional regulation is not so easily learned.

The best way to teach a child self-regulation skills is for adults to model them.  Our kids need to see us become upset and then appropriately calm ourselves down.  This shows them that emotions and feelings of all kinds are perfectly normal.  It also signals them to learn and practice handling their emotions in a healthy way.  Our kids also need to see us self-reflecting.  When we have an outburst – because, let’s face it, none of us are in control of ourselves 100% of the time – we must verbally express that the way we handled ourselves was wrong and what we will do next time in order to do better.  Kids also – even though they may not outright tell us so – need for us to back off.  If we rescue our kids every time they experience difficulty, they will have an even harder time learning to regulate their emotions and control their behavior.  Give your kids a chance to fall, mess up, etc.  By doing so, they will learn to problem solve and be less apt to melt down in the future.  Kids whose parents constantly do the regulating for them will always look to their parents to help them feel better – even when they are adults.

It’s totally okay to practice self-regulation with your kids.  Games like Red Light/Green Light, Mother May I and Simon Says all help kids learn to control impulses.  Setting timers to set boundaries for video games and TV time help kids learn to comply in situations they don’t necessarily agree with.  Using points systems or positive reinforcement to reward appropriate behavior in melt-down-inducing situations shows your kids that good things can happen when they control themselves.

At my house, my 5 year old has a marble jar.  When she does chores, helps her baby sister, uses manners, etc. she is rewarded with marbles.  Once the marble jar is filled, she is welcome to pick out any candy she wants at the dollar store.  On the flip side, when she is disrespectful, doesn’t do her chores or makes poor behavior choices, marbles are taken away.  This method is teaching her a multitude of self-regulation lessons.  She’s learning to earn (rather than just being handed) rewards.  She’s learning patience by waiting for the jar to be filled.  She’s also learning that appropriate behavior leads to positive reinforcement, while poor choices lead to consequences.

Does this mean we have the parenting tiger by the tail?  Absolutely not.  We still experience melt-downs, but they are fewer and far between.  She still can get sassy with best of any diva out there, but she’s learning what comes after she chooses to speak with a sharp tongue.  It is also teaching us – her parents – to keep our own emotional regulation in check.  It can be so easy to simply snap back and shout at her, but what does she learn from that?  I encourage you today to find simple ways to model and teach self-regulation to your own kids.  Their future will be brighter because you did.  ♥♥♥

In August, my husband and I celebrated 11 years of marriage.  I did a lot of reflecting around then about our time together.  As a therapist, I naturally do a lot of reflecting anyway.  Whether I am visiting with kids or adults, I often find that the relationship between a person’s mother and father has a large influence on their life and how they form relationships.  Here are five keys to a healthy partnership:

1. Always nurture the friendship.  It’s easy for us to get bogged down with life stuff.  Add kids to the mix and it becomes far too easy to put marriage on the back burner.  We must remember that the relationship with our partner is one that needs tending in order for it to remain alive.  Regular date nights, small tokens of affection and positive affirmation don’t go away once we say “I do.”  Small gestures of love will keep partners’ love tanks full and will prevent your marriage from running on empty.
2. Be on the same page with the parenting thing. This is a HUGE one.  I have worked with numerous kids over the years who suffer from parents who just can’t be a team.  Here’s the deal: kids are smart.  They know when and how to divide and conquer.  If you and your spouse create and maintain a united front when it comes to the kids, you’ll save yourselves years of headaches and disappointments later.  Kids also learn how to be in a relationship from their parents.  If they see mom and dad fighting, arguing, shouting and angry, they will then demonstrate those characteristics when they begin forming romantic relationships.  Even if biological parents are no longer in a relationship together, it is important for them to remain strong, positive co-parents.  When it comes to the kids, put your romantic differences and qualms from the past aside.  Your kids need you to and will thank you later.
3. Focus on the positive & HAVE FUN. Stress is an ugly monster that can suck the joy right out of you.  In marriage, stress can often cause us to be grouchy and irritable with our spouse.  Make it a daily intention to look for the positives in your husband or wife.  Just like kids, adults want you to “catch” them being good, too.  Husband take the trash out without being reminded 37 times?  Praise him!  Did your wife cook a nice meal after a long day at work?  Give her a hug and say thank you!  When we choose to focus our attention on the positive, many other aspects of our life will follow suit.  Oh, yeah…. don’t forget to have fun!  Be silly together.  Make time to do something you both enjoy.  After all, the two of you obviously had fun together at some point, right?  Frequently make a point to tap into that youthful, fun side that led you both to falling in love.
4. QTIP – Quit taking it personally! We’ve heard for years about husbands and wives who nit-pick each other to a hilt.  It’s no new concept that partners fight over the most trivial things.  I implore you – QTIP!  Quit taking it personally.  If your spouse is stressed and tired, don’t take it personally when they aren’t exactly a peach after work.  Focus on the positive, be forgiving and move on.
5. Self-reflect often. Raise your hand if you’ve always been told “when you point a finger, you have three pointing right back at you”??  Me too.  Boy, is that a humbling illustration.  In our marriages, we must reflect on how we can do better if we ever want our spouse to do better.  The thing is, there are ZERO perfect humans in this world.  No problems in marriage can be attributed to one single party.  In order to nurture the relationship with your spouse, you must be willing to look in the mirror and determine where your own shortcomings are.  Once we take the focus off of what our spouse is doing wrong and start looking at what we ourselves can improve, the marital relationship will blossom and strengthen significantly.

The list of ways to make marriage work could more than likely stretch to the moon and back.  There are many things that can and must be done in order to have a partnership that lasts.  The above list is a short version of simple things that I’ve done in my own marriage.  Has it always been easy?  Heck no!  Do we fight?  Of course!  What marriage doesn’t have its ups and downs?  Being intentional, though, and making a daily choice to better ourselves and our relationships is a healthy step in the right direction.  It has ripple effects that will touch many aspects of our lives.  When our marriage is healthy and striving, we as individuals feel better, our spouse feels better, our kids are more positively impacted and life is generally better as a whole.  So, get out there, write your spouse a little love note, help with household chores and be good to each other.

Last week was a doozey.  I’m not simply talking about busy schedules and running to and fro.  Anything that could go wrong did, I needed to be in multiple places at once, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  On Monday the baby was sick.  On Tuesday the oldest was sent home from school sick, where she stayed for the next four days.  Every day was loaded with current and new clients on the books (not complaining about that!).  A major cold front came through our area and brought with it lots of rain and wind.  We operate a cattle ranch and for those that know, baby calves and freezing/wind/rain don’t mix well.  To top it all off, the hubs woke up over the weekend with a massive case of pink eye.  To say the least, I was stressed to the max.

I am definitely not alone when I say that this momma can get overwhelmed and tired.  I can candidly tell you that I have found myself weighing whether or not I should just get in my car and drive till the gas runs out in order to escape the chaos that comes with parenthood, marriage, owning a business and all that other life stuff.  After a few deep breaths and a little time in my happy place, the therapist in me takes over and becomes the voice of reason.  I’m able to press on and put a plan together in order to get everything done.

But what about those moms and dads that just can’t seem to get their head above water?  What relief can be found for those who feel as though they are drowning in stress, schedules and needy humans?  The answer is so simple, yet difficult to implement: Self-Care.

Parents and caregivers need healthy self-care as much as they need a personal assistant.  Remember the oxygen mask analogy — Anytime we fly on a plane, the flight attendant gives instructions on how to operate the oxygen mask should pressure in the cabin be lost.  He or she specifically tells passengers to put on their own mask first before they help those around them.  Why?  Because we can’t help someone else survive if we aren’t first surviving ourselves.  The same is true for parenting.  Our kids feed off of the moods, emotions and stress that affects us.  Ever heard the old saying “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”??  Well, friends, there is a sliver truth to those words.  If momma hasn’t showered or brushed her teeth in days because she’s been busy caring for sick babies, it’s more likely than not that her morale is sinking.  If dad is running around like a chicken with his head cut off chauffeuring littles to school, daycare, activities and the like, you can bet his fuse will shorten down to nearly nothing by week’s end.  We become cranky, irritable, anxious and depressed when we don’t take/make time to take care of ourselves.

“But how???” you may be asking.  I know I find myself asking that question multiple times a week day.  First, try to remember that self-care doesn’t mean that you need to spend hours upon end focusing on yourself.  All you need is a few minutes here or there.  Next, and probably most important, is to be intentional about caring for your own physical needs first.  It’s helpful to shower and “get ready” for the day, even if you aren’t leaving the house.  Yes, it’s tempting to stay in our jammies all day – BUT cleaning up and at least putting on real clothes improves our mood and starts our day off on the right foot.  Plus, you can get in a decent session of deep breathing while you’re in the shower…alone.  Be sure to take time to eat and get your water intake for the day.  You will be no help to your spouse or kids if you are starving and grouchy.  Finally, as hard as this one is, schedule in time during the week to do something enjoyable for yourself.  I like to set a timer for 15 minutes one night per week to journal.  I have friends that schedule “porch dates” with their spouse.  Other friends schedule short bursts of time to engage in a hobby like painting, sewing/knitting or reading.  Others utilize this same concept for exercise.  Anything you can do that you enjoy and doesn’t involve serving someone else will vastly improve your mental and emotional state, leaving you better able to meet the needs of your family later.  Speaking of schedules and calendars….be sure and make time to iron out all the details of yours on at least a weekly basis.  Staying organized and aware of upcoming tasks, events and activities will not only help you regain a sense of control, it will also help you feel accomplished as you mark these items off your To Do list.  Not to mention, it’s great for kids to see their parents model organization and planning.

Don’t get me wrong.  I know that finding time for yourself can be hard, especially when your kids are little and can’t do much for themselves.  Small changes and intentional choices can keep you going when the going gets tough.  If your kids see you attempting to manage stress and busy-ness, they will learn this skill themselves.  When all else fails, the kids are screaming, the house is a mess and another item is added to your list of mommy/daddy duties, practice deep breathing, close your eyes and escape to your happy place for a few seconds then carry on in the chaos. ♥♥♥