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Have you ever stopped to notice how “busy” our society has become?  Freeways are jam-packed with people hurrying and scurrying to get from point A to point B.  Calendars have become so important that families across America are installing “launch pads” in their homes.  These are crafty little nooks where a family calendar is fashioned with everyone’s activities and to do lists displayed.  I have friends who “schedule” exercise into their daily planners because they are so busy.  Although I don’t disagree with making time to mind your health, it has me pondering — have we become so busy in this crazy world that we have now reached a point where our physical and mental health must be written on a calendar in order for us to tend to it?

We know that adults are busy.  It’s a no-brainer that parents never stop until their heads hit the pillow at night.  You know who is extremely busy and in turn, physically and mentally drained because of it?  Kids!  Yes, children have now become as busy — if not busier — than their adult counterparts.  Between soccer practice, dance class, playdates and cub scouts (not to mention school, church, tutoring and more), the schedule of a child is starting to look like that of a highly sought after celebrity.  We’ve robbed our kids of free play time and precious hours of imagination and discovery.  “For what?”, I ask.  To make them more well-rounded?  To expose them to life experiences?  If we look at the research, it’s making them more anxious, depressed and stressed out.  Same goes for adults.

The more time we spend hustling and bustling, the less time we actually spend actively engaged with our families, friends and the world around us.  The more we stress, the less we rest.  All of that added stress and hurrying about is keeping adults and kids sick, tired and emotionally disengaged.  Don’t get me wrong — extracurriculars and enrichment activities are definitely beneficial, but we must monitor the time we, as well as our children are spending doing “extra stuff”

.  If you start to notice them (or yourself) becoming burned out, withdrawn or anxious, it’s more than likely time to reassess the time spent scurrying from one activity to the next.  We must never forget how valuable and important time with family and friends, as well as relaxing and self-reflecting, truly are in the grand scheme of life. ♥♥♥

Have you heard the term “mindfulness” yet?  It’s one that is becoming increasingly used not only in the world of psychology, but in education, business and even sports.  Being mindful means so much more than being attentive.  It’s being present in the here and now.  It’s opening your heart and mind to new information, new concepts, new adventures.

There is a lot of empirical proof coming out to show the benefits of mindfulness.  Reduced stress, increased productivity and better personal relationships are just a few of the reasons the push for mindfulness has become so great in the last couple years.  In my humble opinion, though, more mindfulness in our world these days is incredibly needed.  With so many people struggling to cope with anxiety and depression, mindfulness could help alleviate the cognitive and physical symptoms that are associated with each issue.  Then there is the never-ending thread of commentary we hear about tragic accidents and mishaps that occur, all because someone involved just wasn’t paying attention.  Smart phones, tablets, laptops and so many other gadgets have us fixated on the virtual world, rather than the real one.  If you ask me — and I’m sure many others — our world could use a dose of all of us being more mindful and present in our daily lives.

So what is it — mindfulness?  It’s a term that sounds so simplistic and complicated all at the same time.  I invite you not to think too much about this one.  I found a great definition on the website mindful.org.  They characterize being mindful as “the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”  Easy, right?  It has the potential to be, yes.  But our world has become so fast-paced, so cut-throat that many of us (and I say “us” because I’m as guilty as the next person) are wrapped up in anything except the present moment in time in which we reside.

Moms needing a break from kids scroll their social media feed, just to ‘check out’ for a minute.  Young professionals trying to climb the ladder of success bury themselves behind a screen and a keyboard in order to move up.  Teens addicted to screens hit reset on the latest video game in order to get one more fix.  Tweens just wanting to fit in add strangers on Snap without giving a thought to the dangers and implications of doing so.  All of the above-mentioned examples are said without judgment or condemnation, because like I said, I’m guilty myself.  But think of the costs of each.  Mom misses precious moments with her littles.  Young professional alienates friends and family who just want a minute of uninterrupted quality time.  I don’t think I have to reiterate the dangers and pitfalls of teens and tweens and screen time and social media.  We’ve seen — and continue to see — the rise of the costs of both.

So what’s the big idea?  How does mindfulness play into each of these and other situations today?  Mindfulness allows us to slow down and be present in the moment.  “How?”, you ask.  Well, first, turn off your devices.  Heck, put them in a whole different room if you can.  Turn off the t.v — it’s hard to be mindful and present with talking heads and reality drama queens screaming in the background.  Next, relax your body — but not too much!  We aren’t looking to take a nap or anything.  (Napping and sleep are a whole other blog post…maybe next time.) Simply sit comfortably and begin to breathe deeply.  Pay close attention to the way your body feels at this moment.  List to your breath.  Feel the rhythm of your heart beating.  Notice any tension in your back, shoulders, etc.  You don’t have to sit for long in order to do this exercise.  A few minutes will do.  Once you finish, begin going about your daily activities.  While doing so, though, try to pay attention to the thoughts and actions that carry you through your day.  Try not to focus on what lies in the past or what may come in the future.  Remember to be present in the activity you are doing, the people you are with and the environment you are in.

If you are new to mindfulness, it can feel pretty weird at first.  It’s hard to get into new habits and routines.  It’s even harder to break old ones.  It can feel a little strange to only focus on the present moment in time.  When you find yourself beginning to spin off into the oblivion of worries and anxious thinking, bring yourself back to that relaxing state of breathing and being.  Try not to focus on the past or the future, just the present.  After all, we can’t change what has happened in the past and we have zero control over what will happen in the future.  But the here and now, we can enjoy and use to ground us.  Being present, it turns out, is a gift that keeps on giving to not only you, but others –and even the world as a whole– as well.  ♥♥♥

Experiencing loss of any kind can be one of the most difficult journeys we take in life.  Whether you’ve lost a child, a close friend, a sibling,  a parent or a spouse, you’ll soon find that grief takes no holiday.  It knows not skin color, economic status or gender.  Grief, like waves on the ocean, moves and flows with a mind and intention all its own.

In the beginning, grief can seem like a hurricane, pounding and driving with a supernatural force and power.  As time goes on, though, grief becomes a rogue wave, sneaking up when you least expect it, overtaking you until you’re underneath it, drowning in its grip.  After I lost my father, I felt as though I were sinking to the bottom of the ocean of grief.  I could barely make it through a meal, brushing my teeth, or even grocery shopping without the pain cropping up and reminding me how much I missed him.  Now, nearly two years later, it’s as though grief is playing a sneaky game of hide-and-seek.  Most of the excruciating pain has subsided.  Hope and happiness have once again been found.  Yes, I think about my dad each day.  There are joyful memories that bring a smile to my face or a chuckle to my throat.  But then….peek-a-boo!  Here comes grief again when I least expect it.  One day, it jumped right out in the form of a Rock-n-Roll song by Grand Funk Railroad (one of my dad’s favorite bands).  The next thing I know, I’m sitting at a stop light, smiling that “his” song was on the radio, but also weeping because the pain of missing him was just too much in that very moment in time.  So what did I do?  Did I pound the steering wheel and shout in anger that my dad is gone?  Nope…I sang along with the radio and let the tears fall.

When you experience grief, and everyone will at some point in time, I encourage you to allow yourself to feel every emotion that washes over you.  Sadness, anger, shock, despair, disappointment, rage, loneliness, doubt, fear….I could go on and on….they are all very real and very normal.  Don’t restrain yourself from the heart’s need to process and cleanse itself of the hurt.  Find someone you can talk to about your feelings.  Let your words flow freely.  Tell why it’s not fair that they’re gone.  Recount fond memories.  Laugh about good times you had.  All of these will help you to move through your grief and come out stronger and more able to cope when the waves come rolling in again in the future.

That’s the thing about grief.  Since it comes in waves, we must learn to ride them with grace.  Sometimes we are tossed about and can’t find our footing.  Other times we are able to hold on and ride it out to the safety of the shore.  There is no right or wrong way to experience it.  In a way, we must learn to embrace and accept its presence in our lives.  You see, grief is a good indicator that we loved and loved deeply.  Grief, after all, is the hole that is left in our heart when the person we love is no longer available to share that love. ♥♥♥

Do you have anything in your life that you do “automatically”?  I get up every morning and “automatically” walk to the kitchen to start my coffee maker.  It’s like my body is programmed to do it.  Did you know that our brains have thoughts that are automatic?  These thoughts are shaped and formed throughout our life, based upon our core values and experiences.  To put it into perspective — let’s say you always struggled with math as a student.  You may have formed an automatic thought that goes something like this: “I’m terrible at math.  I can’t do it.  I’ll never be any good at it.”  Do you hear the negativity and the self shame in those words?  Often times, automatic thoughts are unfavorable and untrue, especially toward ourselves.  This is how ruts in the road of life and our mental health are formed.  Over and over we drive the same route of criticizing ourselves and not giving credit where it’s due in our lives.  Depression, anxiety and a host of many other mental and emotional issues are deep-seeded in negative automatic thoughts.  Over and over we repeat the adverse mantras until we believe them as gospel truth.  So how do we combat this toxic speak in our minds?  Begin by intentionally catching yourself when you start to fall into the pit of pessimism.  Let’s go back to our math example from the beginning.  When the thought “I’m terrible at math” pops into your mind, immediately ask yourself if there is evidence to prove that you are, in fact, terrible at math.  Can you do basic addition and subtraction?  Yes??  I’d say you aren’t “terrible” then.  The next thing you can do is reframe the way you think about math and your skillset involved.  You might say something like “I do struggle in math, but with practice I could get better.”  Another more positive thought would be “Oh, well.  I’m not good at math but I am excellent at writing research papers!”  See how changing the mindset to a more positive and encouraging one is less critical and self-destructive?  I know that math is a trivial example, but think of the possibilities if you applied these same principles to any negative thought you might have.  My daddy used to always say “Positive brings positive, negative brings negative!”  I think he was onto something there.  You see, our experiences shape our thoughts, which shape our feelings, which shape our behaviors.  If we can reset the automatic thoughts that we have about ourselves, the people we interact with and the world around us, we can grow to become the best versions of ourselves.  ♥♥♥

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my clients, it’s this — that many people need permission to feel the way they do.  Somehow, somewhere along the road of human existence, we’ve made an unspoken rule that “abnormal” (whatever that means) is not allowed.  Feeling sad?  Better suck it up, because it’s not okay to cry.  Feeling angry?  Blow it off, it’s not that big of a deal.  Elated about a recent accomplishment?  Keep it to yourself, dear.  It’s not okay to brag.  We’ve become so worried about keeping up appearances and passing judgment that raw, legitimate emotions are taboo.  It’s amazing to me how many clients begin to make forward progress when they hear me say “it’s okay to be angry at that person” or “it’s okay to be sad that they betrayed you” or “it’s okay be happy that you’re no longer in that situation”.  There is tremendous freedom an individual gains just by me giving them proverbial permission to feel the way they do.  Is it society?  Family? Friends?  Who knows…maybe it’s our own self that will not allow us to accept that the way we feel is normal.  Guess what?  “Normal” is all relative.  My normal looks very different from yours.  Our thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviors are all formed and shaped based on our individual experiences with the world around us.  Let’s all try judging each other less and cheering for each other more.  Hug someone who is down & out.  Be a friend to someone who is feeling lonely.  Celebrate with someone who is having success.  Without saying it, give someone permission to “be.”  Imagine the world we could live in if we all did more “being”.  ♥♥♥